An Honesty

I just brought my lunch upstairs (scrambled egg+tomatoes on a Mexican wrap), sat down, and realised I had brought with me two forks and no knife.
This is a perfect demonstration of my state of mind: scrambled and not very sharp.

So – All attempts at revision failed, I am going to post an honest blog. Revision has actually failed because (dare I say it?) i’m getting to the point where i’ve gone over every topic so many times i’m bored sick.

“Are you not always honest?” I hear you (imaginary) readers ask.

Well, yes, in that I never lie, no, in that I will only ever write about the good and the sunny and all round positivity. My reason being that I like to keep my otherwise thoughts between myself and my friends, and as I would be unlikely to approach a stranger with my woes, I dont much see the logic in doing so online either.

“What are these, most likely, trivial, woes?” I hear thee (imaginary) reader ask.

Those that I will share are related to working life. 1) Exams are next week and if I don’t pass, which, for the first time in life is a genuine possibility, I dont get a job. 2) If I do get a job, I have no idea where I will be living come the new year. This unsettles me beyond all comprehension.

I like Brighton, and I like stability. I like knowing where I will buy my food, where is good to go for a bike ride (something i’m only just getting to grips with anyway..). I like that if i’m feeling bored or lonely I can potter to the lanes, spend an afternoon searching Snoopers Paradise for lost bits of crap nobody wants, and I can get myself a Chi Latte in the Brighton Coffee Company and all will be well with the world.

The problem with this odd period of life people call ‘studying’ is that you really don’t have any roots anywhere. It almost seems pointless laying down any foundations because a moment later someone will only come along with a bulldozer and scrap it all anyway.

I realise that once I have found somewhere to put myself down, I will find new bike rides, a new set of quirky entertainment features. To add to this, I will one day find myself a flat – and it will have a window seat, and it will have a bookcase. Some fluffy pet may feature, and there will be a non-outised, comfortable place to turbo too. I realise that the current phase is only an interim period – it’s just that I don’t think it’s very fun.

To add to this, on a more physical level – body does not respond well to stress. You see, conscious brain is fully aware: it is saturated with information, and if hands fail to write out correct answers next week, it is not brains fault and brain has tried its best. Brain is also aware that parents are lovely and will look after body and brain until both are settled somewhere and happy.

Body, however, has decided to revolt, giving symptoms such as nausea, which results in lack of desire to eat, which when continuing to train is not altogether healthy. Brain therefore tells body to eat, body obeys, but nausea soon follows. Highly annoying becuase conscious brain knows it is all in the brain, but cannot locate the sub-conscious part which is causing the problem.

Anyways – there is a tiny slice of current well being, for you, imaginary readers. Do enjoy. And send some chocolate spread. And a knife, please – my two-forks approach is not yielding positive results.

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